A lot of people ask me about my own journey.
I have kept quiet about a lot of things the last two years. My life has flipped upside down, there were a lot of unknowns and a lot of things out of my control, and I hated it.
I went from being a healthy 220 – or at least, I thought I was healthy, to what I am now.
To be honest, I don’t know what normal or healthy feels like or should feel like. I haven’t felt normal since 2018.
We fast forward to 2020, life changes drastically. I gained 20lbs in 6 months and for no reason. Fast forward to now, more unexplained weight gain. I have seen so many doctors. 90% of them told me to eat better and exercise. It killed me. I ate clean, I gave up drinking coffee, I walked, strength trained, did everything right.
I gave up a lot of hope. I was put on medication to hopefully help with weight loss and my arthritis and all it did was make me go into a dark place. I had suicidal ideations for months. I hid it, then dealt with it, went through the therapy, and decided this medication was not worth it, and detoxed off of it.
We then fast forward to my tibia fracture, and it set me back entirely. If it wasn’t one thing it was another. It sent me into an even darker place. I kept looking back at older photos of myself at 220. Even at 170. And I thought deeply – how did I feel back then? and truth be told, i was still miserable. And I hid all my feelings, all my thoughts, etc.
We fast forward to now – and I am realizing that no matter what weight, size etc, I have to love my body through the good and the bad. Things change, life happens, and I can only control what I can control. If it is out of my control, I need to seek help, take action, and understand what is going on.
My Journey has been nothing but up and down, and as I end the year, I look back and have to realize what is and isn’t important to me. It didn’t matter what weight and size I was, I was miserable. Now – I am learning to love myself. Learning to find my self care routine, my balance, foods that fuel me and satisfy myself, and so much more.
Moral of the story, your journey is yours, my journey is mine. And we cannot compare to each other. and we cannot judge each other, because you never know what is truly going on internally.
And looking a certain way doesnt mean anything. If you aren’t healthy, and happy internally, you will never be happy on the outside.
Trust me.
Take this next month, and write down what is and isn’t important to you in your fitness journey. If the only thing that is important to you is being a certain weight, I am sorry to break it to you, but you will never be happy. You will chase it until you are there, and then still want more.
Find balance, find internal health and happiness, everything else will come with it.
